Series: any really, manga or anime
Word Count: 1473 or so
Rating: R for sex
Characters: Ed, Roy, Winry, Hawkeye. Take a guess as to pairings. You might even be right. (But probably not.)
Warnings: Contains sex and innuendo. Crack in the tradition of "Riza Hawkeye, Cock Inspector."
Summary: Ed has a really dirty mind, but Roy's been helping it along.
Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and settings are created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Funimation, Viz and Square-Enix. General Biles and the final line are a reference to "Lemon Sherbert" by John Biles and other authors. No profit is made from this story.
Ed Elric was not happy. Granted this was his natural state around Colonel Roy Mustang, but in this case Ed was particularly unhappy since he would be spending the next few hours in the company of said colonel. Worse still he had been ordered to do so.
Ed sat down heavily in a chair, "Why the hell are you making me to do this?"
Roy bent down and moved a box from the floor to the table. "Simple, Fullmetal," he said smirking, "I wanted to spend time with my favorite subordinate."
Frowning said subordinate said, "Why?"
Lowering his head and fluttering his eyelashes in a seductive manner, Roy replied coyly, "Because you're the hottest thing on two legs on this base." He raised his head and regarded Ed, his smirk widening. "Besides me, of course."
Ed's eyes widened and he stood up in a flash and headed for the door. "That's it! I'm out of here! Orders be damned!"
Roy rolled his eyes and turned his attention to the box in front of him. "Relax, Fullmetal, that was a joke." Ed turned and regarded him warily. Roy ignored him and began unpacking the box. "If you must know, I didn't order this at all. General Biles did. Apparently he thought it would be amusing to make the two of us prepare for the annual picnic together."
On guard against further "jokes" from his superior, Ed carefully made his way back to the chair. What Mustang had said had the ring of truth: General Biles was known for his rather unusual sense of humor. In fact, he got along quite well with General Gruuman, who was also known for his eccentricity (though Biles did not share the latter's cross-dressing habit).
Roy ignored him and continued unpacking. He removed his final item and gave it a loving caress. Ed stared at this display with a look of mild disgust on his face. "What is that?" He pointed at the thick squat object in front of him.
"That's my cock, Fullmetal," Roy replied, "Surely you have seen one before."
"Not one that looks like that!"
Sighing, Roy, replied, "That's because it's Xingian."
Ed crossed his arms, "It's ugly is what it is."
Polishing the object with his sleeve, Roy said, "You have no room to talk. Your sense of taste is worse than Armstrong's." He set the object down carefully. "I'll have you know this was passed down through generations of my mother's family."
Snorting Ed said, "Now who's acting like Armstrong?"
Roy ignored him and continued, "It's not like I'd let you touch my cock anyway. No, you are using the army-issued one." He slid the box over toward Ed.
Curious, he peeked in the box and removed the worn well-used juicer. "Lemons are in the corner," Roy said, slicing open one of the sour fruits and placing it over his own juicer that had been elaborately carved to resemble a rooster in the traditional style.
Grumbling Ed stood and took a crate of lemons from the corner and plunked it down next to his chair.
It was a good half hour later, when Ed asked, "So what is Al doing during all this?"
Removing the full pitcher of soon-to-be-lemonade, Roy grabbed another. "I believe he decided to go help Havoc and Breda with butt-fishing."
Ed glared at Roy. "My brother is not gay! And if he was he'd have a hell of a lot more taste then to hook up with those two!"
Roy stared at Ed in bemusement. "When did I say your brother was homosexual?" He sliced open another lemon. "I merely said he was helping Havoc and Breda fish cigarette butts out of the pond. A lot of them accumulate there and it can make the birds and fish sick."
"Oh...." Ed said feeling both relieved and very confused, "Er, yes, that's the kind of thing he'd volunteer to do."
Nodding Roy said, "Yes, your brother is a kind and thoughtful young man. It always amazes me that the two of you are related."
Scowling, Ed violently mashed a lemon down onto the juicer.
Awhile later, a feminine shriek came from the room next door.
Ed bolted upright. He knew that sound! "Oh god, Winry!"
Roy continued placidly extracting lemon juice.
The shriek sounded again, "I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS! IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!"
Baffled, Ed looked to his commander for explanation. "Hawkeye thought Ms. Rockbell would be interested in a little Box-Munching."
Ed turned white as a sheet. "You mean, Winry is doing..? With Hawkeye?!"
Quirking an eyebrow, Roy regarded the younger alchemist critically. "I mean exactly what I said, Fullmetal. Do you have a problem with it?"
Desperately trying to pick up the brain that had dribbled out of his ears, Ed finally found enough of it to reply, "No! But, but- I didn't know Winry was like.... well, like THAT."
"Really?" Roy replied, giving Ed a disbelieving stare, "You've known her since you were both babies and you didn't know she was like that?"
Ed shook his head. "No, I- She never gave any indication..."
Crossing his arms, Roy said, "I find it hard to believe that you didn't know that that girl is crazy about machines."
Ed's brain dribbled out again, "Mach-Machines? We're not talking about machines."
"Of course we are!" Roy replied, "Hawkeye is showing Winry the new box shredder Fuery built last week. The one the boys nicknamed the 'Muncher.'" A smirk grew on his face as he watched Ed's face turn red. "What exactly did you think we were talking about?"
Ed ran his hand through his hair and looked down at the floor. "I thought you meant she, uh, liked girls... You know REALLY liked girls..."
Roy's smirk widened. "Luckily for you I don't think she does. I can't be completely sure of that fact, though." Hawkeye entered carrying a bag of shredded cardboard. "Hello, lieutenant! I'm afraid the military has corrupted poor little Fullmetal's mind beyond recognition. He keeps interpreting everything in a very perverted way."
Eyes widening, Ed began to protest but was interrupted by Hawkeye.
"Are you sure you didn't have a hand in this 'corruption,' colonel?"
Roy dramatically clutched his hands to his heart and fell back against the chair. "You wound me, Hawkeye, to think that I would do anything so unseemly."
Ignoring her superior's theatrics, Hawkeye turned toward the younger alchemist, "Edward, Ms. Winry wants your help next door. She said something about incorporating box crushing technology into her automail designs and needing measurements."
Ed paled. "She is not putting anything named "the Muncher" in my arm or leg!" He raced out of the room shouting Winry's name and slamming the door behind him.
Hawkeye dropped the bag of shavings into the corner and turned around to find her superior miraculously recovered from his earlier "wound." She went over to the table and began putting away the extra lemons. "How did your lemon squeezing go, sir?"
"Oh, fine, I guess," he gave a mock sigh, "It's just so messy, you know. I got lemon juice all over my cock." He looked up at her hopefully, "I don't suppose you'd be wiling to help clean it would you?" He waggled his eyebrows to emphasize his point.
Riza glared at him and with her mouth set in that tight little frown he knew so well. Suddenly she relaxed and sighed. "Yeah, sure, why not. I have time."
And so they had sex under the table.
Hopefully you enjoyed this little fic, and weren't expecting something else. But, like Roy said, it is your own fault for having a dirty mind. (But don't worry, the author has a dirty mind too.)
The final line and General Biles are my little way of paying tribute to one of the greatest fanfic humor writers out there, John Biles. His work is a bit hard to find now since it was written almost a decade ago, but there is some located here. A google search for John Biles fanfiction should hopefully turn up more. I particularly recommend Lemon Sherbet which he cowrote with some other authors. The last line in this fic is from there.
Thanks to the cast, crew and creators of various Fullmetal manga, and anime.
Thanks to my husband, who is making me into a soccer widow.
Thanks to those who review or leave feedback, I deeply appreciate it!
And Thanks to you for reading!
========== Anne Packrat (June 18, 2009)
Thank you for reading.